The Alone Series #1

I can’t take it anymore, it is gone out of control this time. I moved to this house a month ago , at first everything was going alright and then my upstairs’ neighbours started being a bit noisy, I would hear laughter after midnight and I thought I will get used to it but then their kids would run and I would be startled or woken up for no reason.

I keep trying to gather the courage to talk to them but every time I would feel uneasy and leave before even knocking on the door, I waited to see anyone of them but I was never luck enough to catch any of them but today I decided I would talk to them.

I gather all my courage, I knock but nothing, I can feel someone behind the door, I can hear someone shushing little kids, but it is so confusing. “I am your new neighbour” I shout “I live downstairs” nothing happens I get a bit irritated by that but I wait outside for a while until am tired and I have to get back to my apartment, it is late anyway.

Since they pretended I don’t exist I will raise a complain to my landlord they will contact them and figure this out. I call her and tell her about the upstairs neighbour’s behaviour and how she refused to even open the door for me and am very irritated. “but honey they are not in the apartment right now, they are traveling” I can barely process this when I start hear the running once again but this time it is not upstairs, it is here.

The Real Me

I remember once I was able to see a very different version of a shadow of me. If I saw that version on the street I won’t recognize she was not related to me but it was the version a person I thought of as my friend created and no matter how hard I tried to change that version and update the error she was not able to see. I knew by shear chance when we were out with a new person and she would answer my questions with whatever she thought that shadow would say.

What do you like to do? She doesn’t like anything she is depressed

What are your favorite activities? She doesn’t have activities she has issues.

At first I thought that was really rude, inaccurate and doesn’t resemble me its like watching the trailer and not ever thinking to see the movie but I let her have her moment something about being stripped naked but the naked person was not me it was her perception of me.

I had very different answers to that person specially that I didn’t like revealing certain parts to strangers but I let her have her moment because these weren’t my parts and the best part was she never knew that on that day she stopped being a part of my life.

She probably didn’t care and didn’t have the slightest clue to how judgmental he was but she did teach me that you are never really seen, no one will care who you really are they will pick the part they like and magnify it or the part they dislike and magnify it. Your character is not yours once you decide to share it.

That person made me reluctant to reveal any part that might be misunderstood but I now know that those who care to know you will look for you and those who want to create the shadow that will cover you just to satisfy some judgmental part in their fragile insecure self will create a monster out of you.

They might create the villain that was never really there but we need to blame or the depressed kid they tried once to befriend many moons ago that was too damn depressed I couldn’t help.

Your existing in their eyes would be degraded to a mere stereotype to satisfy their fantasy and you would be a side character they created in a story that never actually belonged to you.

Now that I am aware of that I am ready to accept that with me sharing, versions will be created and shadows will hunt but I should know that I carry the candle, I hold the real story the real light the real me.

Unable to Change

 I don’t know if the reason of my current state is the weird shit am on cause of how sick I am or my depression showing up late to the party or the shit that is happening in my life on this glorious day but I am going to get a couple of things off my chest.

I don’t know how I reached this moment or how come did I distant myself from everyone or when did I lose my ability to see the sincerity of the people around me. When did I get so drained and so slow?

 They tell you its your prime time it’s your twenties and I freak out cause how bad can it get if this is their best. How many wounds am I going to feel if that is the best time of my life? How much pain would I endure and how long can I endure the state am in right now?

You mean to tell me that this is the best life can offer to me, then I don’t want to know what the worse it will offer cause the best is so horrible I am drained by the thought of tomorrow.

It is a struggle to wake up each day carrying that package and those emotions one more day. The morning feels like hell and the gravity seems so much stronger on the side of the bed it pulls your heart to the ground with it. The mere task of getting dressed would seem like war in itself.

I feel so alone and so lonely and I feel like am speaking another language trying to explain myself all the time when in reality I can barely understand me. I cry while am speaking sometimes and my voice stopped shaking while doing so.

I was talking to a friend and something in my heart cracked at the same time she sent me a meme and in that moment I realized how far away we actually are cause I can’t speak or express how chocked I am  but here I am melting for the 11th time, promising myself that I won’t hurt her when am the most toxic person to myself.

Always in the middle, not belonging to either the living or the dead. I have always been that part, too good for bad people and too bad for halal people. To extrovert to the introvert and weird introvert to the extroverted people.

I am stuck but that is not the first time am always stuck stranded alone and here I go for the hundred and one times looking at all what I got myself into wishing to god I am different but I don’t change , I never do.

Stuck in the past

I once was told that we are phases in each other’s life, but that sentence broke me, I thought in a forever that didn’t exist and a life that was never mine. Naïve I know but that was how I was.

Naïve, Idiotic, and hopeless and most important I was useless. Drenched in the middle of a storm I created crying over someone who thought I was a phase who thought of me as temporary  but the older I got the more it made sense cause we will someday disappear and by accepting the sad reality of that disappearance we will be able to move on which explain why I never moved on.

My unbending ability to engulf the memory and crystalize pain putting the highlights on rewind in a file that will be my daily track for the next depression episode.

An ability I never wished for, I am unaware of how to get out of it and stay above the water just a little longer.

I am tired and sick of an endless life of pain but more afraid of an ending happiness.

I am tired of being stuck in a past so deformed it doesn’t recognize itself. It is very tiring and exhausting to keep carrying the weight of all these emotions and tears but I don’t know what to do.


Sometimes I don’t feel alive, it is as if everyone are walking and am entrapped in this one moment and I can’t move, they say time heals everything but I don’t think so, I think we get better at hiding it and then it is buried inside us so deep no sun can reach and in that moment it starts to rot and the smell is so powerful you can smell it outside it is the smell of your decaying soul cause the day you entrapped that part it deteriorated but you never attended her death you pretended it was ok .

You pretended you were fine when the world collapsed and the war started you smiled and talked about music and movies and something that once before reminded you with a life you had but then you started to be devoid of every emotion you every carried and you would wake up at night of dreamless sleep and deep dark feelings that you couldn’t explain and you build a reality that is not real and you are sad when the bubble you created breaks but you made biscuits that were thicker than this.

You look at life now begging to feel once more time, haunted by the emptiness that was self-inflicted to avoid a pain that now is your own existence and you know that you either stay in this trans-like state between life and death or you let yourself open for the bullets you dodged in the past but it won’t be one it would be years and years of denial that you can’t remember and the more it gets close the more you are reminded you are not alive because you would see a glimpse of a life that was in you of a self that no longer exist.

There is nothing more scary than fighting with a past that no longer exist and a part that shined in contrast to a fragmented broken self that try to co-exist with a pain we never could understand and a future that ashed by the loop we are trapped in because of the past and a present haunted with memories paralyzed and impaired you wonder how on earth it is functioning and how on earth is it breathing. You keep on thinking how your old self would react but that self was murdered and the culprit is you. Your own guilt would appear and torture you but there is nothing left to do she is dead, we are dead and we have no one but ourselves to blame.

You see we are just shadows of a potential that was destroyed by tragedy we are the bottom line of the warning sign we are the “you would end up like her if you do so” and we are in the stage were there is nothing left to do.

Tell me how can I  fear a death so pleasant it reminds me of peace and love a life so atrocious that imprisoned every dream, how can I bring back a desire of a life that no longer exists of a dream written on a tombstone of a fragment that used to be a role model and a functioning person.

I sometimes feel my existence a sin, a waste of resources just another useless person. Am I worth living when I can’t anymore function would the world let me exist if I am not a contributor. But then I would remember that the punishment I deserve is me being alive. I am so worthless that death doesn’t want me and life spite on my face every year.

I sometimes feel that I should end it right after a  good snack or a great outing but I wouldn’t urge myself because we are semi happy and on the bad days I say I don’t deserve a bad ending we should go on a good day smiling not a bad day crying like this.

I miss being alive when I could actually feel instead of pretend.

Drama Queen

I was told not to write about unrealistic dreams

And my depressing poems are so last year

I get it, it just the same thing over and over again

What to write about? just a different type of pain

But depression my friend is a drama queen

If the spotlight is not on her

She will demand to be seen

And every night I wait for the show to start

When every bone goes numb and the fear lurking in the dark

You ignore that feeling long enough it magnifies

Until five years later you look at life and you wouldn’t mind to die

And you count each day and each night, surprised for time actually flies

You lost everything on that damned day when you decided it’s a great time for goodbye

They say hell was let loose and I will tell you why cause on that night we did and didn’t die

We killed each reason to stay alive then lived long enough to survive

We killed the light and there was nothing left but dark

They say it’s a new dawn a new chance a new life but all I see is lies

Dissociating, deteriorating, and smiling saying am fine

I’ll tell about something, but I fail to synchronize

Its like life is playing but am not in the game

I am lagging loading stuck

I am stuck in my pain

I told a friend; I can’t remember a time I wasn’t depressed

I told her how it felt and she was unimpressed

I can’t see me without my depression she was always there

When everyone left, she would stay around and stare

But she did teach me to survive

Cause you can’t scare a depressed person away

we resurrect the dead at night and play

We lose ourselves in time and tears and days

I once told a friend what do you have to lose there is nothing to pay

Her reasons were a million and a one but honestly mine were none

Told her to lose all that and push it away

as long as we are alive You will fix everything and survive

When in reality I was not planning to get out alive

They thought I was brave cause I fight with a smile

Truth to be told, I smiled cause I thought I might die

And every time I try to heal, my anxiety comes alive to tell me

You are now afraid of death and of life  

And I scream inside cause why can’t I live a normal freaking life

Why should I be suicidal or anxious or dissociated alive?

Dislocated mind and a dead soul with eyes

Staring at you blaming you for the day she died

But depression is finally here she arrived

Maybe this time she won’t let you take the light

Maybe this time is the last time we are alive.

The Scream

My mother reloaded her weapon; her scream is the bullet, and her Mouth is the gun. She pulled the trigger and screamed my father’s name asking for help, I woke up from my sleep in shock, my eyes opened wide, My brain triggered by the thousand seconds I heard her scream before, my brother wasn’t home so I assumed the worst, the memories of the people I lost announced by the same scream come to mind, I watch still under the pillow every scene as if it was a movie not my past, I watch every detail where she screamed and I was unphased by that scream because flight mood response was and still is on. I remember every start of the tragedies that touched our home so many often that now they all look alike but the details, oh the details are haunting, Trauma reaction to waking up with a scream, I calmly ask my sister what happened.
My sister look at me slowly with the headphones in her ears and a she asks them, My mother said that she found a worm in the veggies while cleaning them for cooking iftar.

I go back to sleep, but my brain is still replaying; he is not done yet.

The Siren

I was drowning when I saw her, the sparkle of her eyes under the water calmed my struggling heart, I was put to peace with her serene beauty and intense gaze until the air ran out to announce my death but I am not afraid anymore. When suddenly I was grabbed to a boat and everything disappeared, they said you were delusional, she wasn’t real, but she was to me as real as death.  I thought I will forget but I didn’t, she was everywhere; in my dreams, in my day and in every corner I turn. She was too real to ignore but her reality was me. I went back but this time I wasn’t afraid, I took the boat right before the sunsets to the same place and talked as if she is there. “thank you” I cried “where are you?”.

  The sea was too wide, too dark now and too quiet. I sat there waiting when I heard a Voice, and everything around turned; the sea was turned into meadows filled with orchards.  She sang and her voice was my guide and I stood until My eyes found her, I followed until I was under the water again, she looked at me with pity “Why did you come back?” I heard I only have few minutes, but I reached out to her that when she realized I was awake, her eyes widened “You can hear me?” I nodded before everything else fade. I chose you I thought but everything went black.

An old friend, a wedding and a series of unfortunate events (7)

My child hood until 4 was a happy jolly ride then the death train smashed into it and I only kept screaming I sucked at meeting or knowing people and I was confused until primary turned into preparatory and I started loving people like roses they had thrones and because I was delirious with happiness I did not feel the pain. Until it kept bugging me after the roses of such friendships withered and died I was stuck with a throne of memories dug deep into my soul reminding me that everyone I love will one day leave even with the fact I pretended just to keep them around. When I entered college I had mastered the art of getting to know people and talk freely of a talk that was so useless it meant nothing but sometimes meant everything. I was stung with bees as their body disappeared I was left behind with memories of people that were like shadows hunting me but they are not shadows I still see them every day we are just not going to talk because we both lost interest and I became actually real sick of pretending or maybe life happened or maybe we are bored I stopped thinking of why because I am trying to stop pretending but there is nothing under the stack acting and social skill but empty rotten seeds of something that even then did not represent me.

I know I will regret writing this but I was inspired and I could not write it alone I did not have the courage to do it before and we can all call it a slam poem that went for too long discussing something I needed to discuss because I missed a wedding today and the first thing that came to my mind right after I finished crying was to kill myself. After my father looked at me and left and my mother called me just to say I told you “you should have done this or that” I could not take it anymore. I cried in the middle of the streets until I went to the other house I call my home that is not really my home when I cannot find myself to fit her into a place because she is either dead or lost I don’t even know me anymore but I know that I lost her in a battle that I no longer remember since everyday became a battle I don’t remember.

I don’t know where to end something that represent a part of my life since am not planning to end it right now but I think you all shouldn’t be concerned this is about an old friend , a wedding and a series of unfortunate events that lead to this and I am just a drama queen but I am not looking for your attention so pass by it, ignore it and keep on going with your lives. I have survived for the last six maybe seven years and I am still fighting so as I may say am surviving. Don’t text me call me or care to comment unless you want to comment, because this is just another breakdown and another girl complaining nothing more or less.

An old friend, a wedding and a series of unfortunate events (6)

How can I explain to a person that I am dead and not alive when am breathing fine how can I prove an illness that does not appear on any scan or MRI or X-ray how can I convince my father that my soul is dead and it could be something he might have done or something I could have done or something the love of his life has done.

He says we are all struggling and I shouldn’t complain when everyone around me are in such misery it doesn’t matter if I am in it too but it is too much not to feel at all and to struggle day by day to survive when the thought of dying is the only thing I see and the idea lingers even when I smile or laugh or pretend.

Pretending became such a useful skill to me. I pretend am interested when I want to feel less lonely. I pretend I love you when I want to feel loved and I know am sincere in my pretending because fake it till you make it doesn’t work when you fake being alive but I can only pretend when I actually want to so doesn’t my desire of showing feeling enough maybe better than actually having the feelings being felt since my heart stopped beating in a lonely Friday morning when I lost the desire to breath but I still lived. I survived.

I pretended I am sad but I was only in denial and I smiled when part of my soul broke down and I laughed when I lost a silly thing or when I failed that exam I wanted to pass so bad or when I got out of the Korean exam knowing well I may not ever see it again because it was hard enough when I struggled with level one but I won’t ever survive the blow of 3 levels on the head but If I succeeded I would be reminded on daily bases that I suck at it and I cannot get my ass up long enough to be good at it because am an idiot who hides under her depression every morning just so I can self-destruct me.

So I became conflicted because even at pretending life seemed hard, I lost my principles and my code of conduct and my rules but I am still alive because even pretending to be righteous became hard. I pretended because I couldn’t handle what I was supposed to face and along the way I lost me or what was left of her.

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